Day 365

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I remember you like yesterday.
I remember the laughter and dreams.
I remember all that used to be.
I remember many warm memories as we built a life of our own.
I remember you were my safe place, my haven, my home.
Not a day goes by that I haven’t thought of you.
I remember the howling winds.
I remember the walls came crashing down.
I remember the cries of scared children.
I remember the wake up call.
I remember we were left in darkness and silence for so long.
I remember the change that swept through.

All this remembering stirs pain hidden deep inside, one I pretend isn’t there. I act like it doesn’t matter and it’s just another day. The thought of you leaves me unsettled, I try to distance myself, I try to withdraw from any reminders and it’s too hard, you are all around.

Now you are here, this day, a year ago, it takes me back and I sit with this despair. I have to notice, I have to acknowledge and give you the time of day. To reflect, to pay my respects and know it’s ok. It’s ok to go back, it’s ok to miss what we once had.

To have that ripped apart has taken time to heal and still aches as I write this now. I couldn’t have got through this past year without the loving memory of you. You have taught me what matters most in life, gave me permission to embrace what we have been through. In return I give you my full attention, this day is about you.

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From the outside you would think she had it all. From a distance she has the looks, the perfect life and everything she desires. Yet we all know there is more to her than meets the eye. As you get closer you can see the frown wanting to escape from the corners of her mouth. The deep lines between her eyes show years of thinking. Something is strangling her attention. Despite her surroundings she can’t see what is right in front of her. She can’t hear her wisdom. She walks right by her answers and steps over the path she was meant to go, turning down that wrong street. Her shoulders are hunched, her eyes are down, watching her pace quicken as she tries to out run herself. There is no life in her conversations, she is dull and skims the surface. She just keeps herself a float. She gets caught up in the gossip, hangs out with the wrong crowd and is tangled in problems. The voice in her head is loud, over powering and demands to be heard. What usually comes out of her mouth is negative and brings everything down. The way she snaps her harsh words, they sting with persistence. There is no end to the self-destruction and it hurts to be a witness. She can’t hear another point of view, nothing else matters and there is no getting through. She is so bogged down in her own stuff, claustrophobic and can’t find a way out. Everything seems wrong in her life and she is hauntingly alone. It’s too late she cries “I am done for”. Her moves are calculated in black and white, there is no room for deviation or colour. When you listen close you can hear the wounded little girl inside. She is unconscious to love, peace and support that is all around. She oozes skepticism and is frightened by her potential. She has the power to heal but refuses to step in those shoes. It’s too unknown, it’s too hard. Even though, deep down, she knows better, she doesn’t know where to start. She doesn’t know which way is up. She is stuck in her ways. Life is over. There are no tears left to cry, she is hollow. She has shut off and is beginning to shut down.

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If only she would notice my warm hand on her shoulder and hear the gentle whispers I breathe softly in her ear every day. All she needs to do is choose another way. Even though she is frightened, she needn’t be sacred. She has all the support and is loved, more than she will ever know. Life is waiting for her to be ready, to guide her along the way. There is freedom just around that corner and a breath of fresh air in her choice. To walk this new path, with lightness in each step, she finds herself, in all colours of it’s beauty. If only she knew, if only she could see. I’ll wait right here for that moment when she decides to be free.

Day 294

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Dark clouds move swiftly through this week with such force and speed. No sign of a storm for the past 4 months I catch this one thundering across the horizon. Flash goes the lightning and I flinch with such ease. A deep rumble rolls the intensity of the storm up the hill. The darkness gains momentum and sucks any light away. I know it’s here by the howling screams of the wind trying to get in through the windows as the rain pelts down. The dog now glued by my side fretting and panting his hot breath against my leg. Darkness lets out a roar while the heaviness comes and goes in a flash. This unpredictable storm leaves me stunned. Wondering which way is up or down, right or wrong- it all blurs into one. Almost suffocating with pressure the rain finally eases as the dark clouds snap and move in another direction. Sitting down exhausted I go over what just happened. The past 294 days comes flooding back. This storm really stirred things up. I let it all settle by coming back to this moment and I focus. I remember whats important- my family, my home and our freedom. Our story, the reality of what we have lived is true and I tell it the only way I know how, just like it is. This storm brings change, I welcome it’s momentum to get things sorted, we want to move on too.

Day 252

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Drip…drip…drip goes the waiting.

8 months ago a windstorm swept through bringing sudden, unexpected change. A massive gum tree ripped from the earth cutting our home in two.

Drip…drip…drip goes the waiting.

Our heart lays in wait as the insurance claim drags out to what seems a life sentence. This week brought a gush of unknown, deepening this space in-between. A dark cloud hovered right above my head, pulling me into the depths below. Despite the bright sunny winters day darkness turned out the light. Like an impatient child wanting attention, it started stamping its feet, bursting with anger until a wave of sadness washed over. A comforting warm hand on my back stayed, allowing resistance to give, letting the past 8 months rise,

Drip…drip…drip flowed my tears.

Lingering in this fragile moment the dark cloud slowly parted, letting the sun sparkle on my face, a cool wind kissed my cheeks and the midnight blue sky brought a smile back- courage and strength returned.

Drip…drip…drip, goes the waiting.

Day 224

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Everything has changed again
I’ll never forget you
I have moved on
I’ll never forget you
The anguish in my heart has dulled
I’ll never forget you
Peace washes over me
I’ll never forget you
The past is far behind me
I’ll never forget you
Life goes on
I’ll never forget you
A smile breaks while tears stream down
I’ll never forget you
Always and forever
I’ll never forget you
Goodbye
I’ll never forget you

Day 210

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I found my way back home this week. Breaking through the hesistance of turning down that street. Slowly moving up the tree lined driveway shaking my head in disbelief. The house still sits there waiting. It’s wound so deep and open, exposed so vulnerably. Cautious of spending too much time there I head down the back. Lifting the latch on the cool heavy metal farm gate it opens with such ease. Walking through the long wet grass, hiding the windy track. I step over saw dust graves of 8 trees that used to be. That windy day forever changed the landscape. The reminder sits to one side carved and stacked up.

With my hands in my pockets I make my way down the gentle slope to my favourite spot between the tall trees.

I stop in my tracks, close my eyes and listen to the bush. The sounds of home sweep through, twirling around on a gentle breeze. A dogs bark echoes in the distance. The chirps of birds nearby chatting between the trees. Thumping vibrates the ground as a wallaby bounds by. The rustling of the leaves brings rythym back to my heart. The sun breaks through the trees, brightness dancing on my eye lids and surrounding me. I miss this place more than I let myself know.

This week has shifted from waiting to what I can do. I spend time at home. I   collect the words that keep pouring. Catching them and filling up pages with life that keeps moving. My voice coming through and making sense right in front of me. Each word lets more of my story free.

Day 196

 

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Silence bares the truth. Cutting through the cool crisp Autumn air there is no where to hide. The grey sky with pockets of bright blue skim the towering trees forcing me to swallow this truth. Zipping up my jacket all way, the sheer drop in temperature extinguishes the flames rising from the pit of my stomach, tickling the back of my throat. To still be in this place in between seems disorientating till I take this time to breathe. Silence echoes the crunch of dry curled up leaves with each step, finding acceptance and understanding in its wake. My body gives into the truth. Life is at ease.

Day 147

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We never thought this would happen to us. Everyone knows someone who has been here. So many stories, so much pain and disappointment in the world but we were convinced it wouldn’t be us. How could it? We have been through so much. We deserve to move on. I deserve to write about something more than where we are.

Yet this is where we are.

This uncomfortable place in between. A place that highlights your strengths and attacks your weaknessess. A place where were you are fragile one day and unbreakable the next. A place where you know where you want to be and then reality wakes you up. It takes a little and gives a lot. This place tears you apart in a flash and then mends you back together even stronger than before. Questions consume your thoughts and answers come in unforgettable moments. Terrible emptiness can strike and then love over flows. Rawness rises with intensity, you hold your breath and clench your jaw, if given a chance it’s grip can be softened with a sigh and let go. Certain people and places suck you back down while nature picks you back up. Months can drag by and it seems only a week. Darkness tosses and turns you while the light takes your hand. Everything that used to matter slowly fades away. When looking from the outside life seems stuck and from the inside you are free. Your reflection seems unrecognizable then you catch yourself smiling and sparkling brighter than ever. The very core of you is ripped open allowing truth to arrive. A truth that is bitterly painful and also breathtaking sweet.

If it were up to us we would move on, slamming that door behind us yet what are we here to learn? Looking back on this moment it will all make sense that it was part of a bigger plan.

Please give me the strength to get there.

Day 98

 

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Chase the light

The still of night, cool and fresh all over my skin
My arms wrap around the small of my waist to keep the warmth in
Rustling and cracking catch my attention
A deep bark echo’s through the air
An array of dark shadows fill my view
Scattered clouds silently sweep by
There she is, in full light, bright and white
Her radiance, her comforting glow
The stars her company, they twinkle with glee
I surrender to the breeze
She quiets my mind
Reminding me to chase the light
To search for peace
To be calm
Reassuring me everything will be ok
She takes watch
I melt into the night
No longer afraid of the dark
I sleep with the truth
Light awaits me