Day 365

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I remember you like yesterday.
I remember the laughter and dreams.
I remember all that used to be.
I remember many warm memories as we built a life of our own.
I remember you were my safe place, my haven, my home.
Not a day goes by that I haven’t thought of you.
I remember the howling winds.
I remember the walls came crashing down.
I remember the cries of scared children.
I remember the wake up call.
I remember we were left in darkness and silence for so long.
I remember the change that swept through.

All this remembering stirs pain hidden deep inside, one I pretend isn’t there. I act like it doesn’t matter and it’s just another day. The thought of you leaves me unsettled, I try to distance myself, I try to withdraw from any reminders and it’s too hard, you are all around.

Now you are here, this day, a year ago, it takes me back and I sit with this despair. I have to notice, I have to acknowledge and give you the time of day. To reflect, to pay my respects and know it’s ok. It’s ok to go back, it’s ok to miss what we once had.

To have that ripped apart has taken time to heal and still aches as I write this now. I couldn’t have got through this past year without the loving memory of you. You have taught me what matters most in life, gave me permission to embrace what we have been through. In return I give you my full attention, this day is about you.

She ego

She ego

From the outside you would think she had it all. From a distance she has the looks, the perfect life and everything she desires. Yet we all know there is more to her than meets the eye. As you get closer you can see the frown wanting to escape from the corners of her mouth. The deep lines between her eyes show years of thinking. Something is strangling her attention. Despite her surroundings she can’t see what is right in front of her. She can’t hear her wisdom. She walks right by her answers and steps over the path she was meant to go, turning down that wrong street. Her shoulders are hunched, her eyes are down, watching her pace quicken as she tries to out run herself. There is no life in her conversations, she is dull and skims the surface. She just keeps herself a float. She gets caught up in the gossip, hangs out with the wrong crowd and is tangled in problems. The voice in her head is loud, over powering and demands to be heard. What usually comes out of her mouth is negative and brings everything down. The way she snaps her harsh words, they sting with persistence. There is no end to the self-destruction and it hurts to be a witness. She can’t hear another point of view, nothing else matters and there is no getting through. She is so bogged down in her own stuff, claustrophobic and can’t find a way out. Everything seems wrong in her life and she is hauntingly alone. It’s too late she cries “I am done for”. Her moves are calculated in black and white, there is no room for deviation or colour. When you listen close you can hear the wounded little girl inside. She is unconscious to love, peace and support that is all around. She oozes skepticism and is frightened by her potential. She has the power to heal but refuses to step in those shoes. It’s too unknown, it’s too hard. Even though, deep down, she knows better, she doesn’t know where to start. She doesn’t know which way is up. She is stuck in her ways. Life is over. There are no tears left to cry, she is hollow. She has shut off and is beginning to shut down.

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If only she would notice my warm hand on her shoulder and hear the gentle whispers I breathe softly in her ear every day. All she needs to do is choose another way. Even though she is frightened, she needn’t be sacred. She has all the support and is loved, more than she will ever know. Life is waiting for her to be ready, to guide her along the way. There is freedom just around that corner and a breath of fresh air in her choice. To walk this new path, with lightness in each step, she finds herself, in all colours of it’s beauty. If only she knew, if only she could see. I’ll wait right here for that moment when she decides to be free.

Hindsight

Portia out window

There’s so much more to life than what you see right now

What looks hard, will get easier

What challenges every part of you, helps you grow

What brings out your fears, allows you to befriend them

What seems impossible, makes you find another way

What pushes you past your limits, shows you how capable you really are

What highlights your weaknesses, binds your strengths

What hurts like hell, gives you a lesson on love

What opens old wounds, brings a chance to heal

What is meant be, teaches you to trust

What forces you to change, opens you up

Takes you places you never knew existed

Giving you a chance to let go,

To start again

Until you have lived through it, you will never know

Hindsight is as valuable as gold

Portia tounge out

Home

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Home exists in my heart and kept alive in my dreams.

Guiding each step and traces each footprint.

Home never dies, never comes and goes

Home is within, even if not yet seen

Home is held in the earth, the stars, the wind and the trees

Homes is breathed into by life

Home creates feelings, moments and memories

Home shines through the darkness setting the truth ablaze

Home is given a voice through each word on this page

Come back, home beacons with such conviction and love

Homes destination exists here

I see it with my eyes

I hear its wisdom as I speak

Home is precious

And I remember it forever

Home is my reality

 

Eyes open

Eyes open

The dust settles as the wind dies down

Silence echo’s off my page

Searching for words, nothing seems to want to come out

Something has changed, the tone, the shape, the colour of life

Everything looks different now

I look back and see the path travelled

With numerous twists and turns

All bringing me till now

I have been here before, a familiar, welcomed unknown

There is no fear, no worry, no urgency

Just flow and grace in each step

An openness to what ever needs to come

Freedom speaks through each word

Pondering the life I’ve been given and paths I’ve chosen to go

I have grown so much

A multitude of lessons have been learnt

I turn to face my future, eyes of open possibility

Show many roads lay ahead

Standing here, I wonder which path to take

I go back to my page now filled with words,

Trusting life to show the way.

Hello spring!

Goodbye darkness of winter and those thick heavy coats. Hello spring in all your glory, I welcome your lightness back into my life. It’s been too long and I almost forgot how much I love having you around. You remind me to step out of the shadows and experience life exactly as found. I awaken to your glistening rays dancing to the song of morning birds. My spirits renew as each fresh breath connects me deeper to your essence. As if, for the first time, you show me trees in every shade of green. Your warm breeze carries a sweet familiar fragrance making everything come alive and I have front row seats. I’m in owe of life rising within, pulsating with your beating heart. Fully clothed I immerse myself into this new life you bring.

 

Meaning

DSC07383- resized-01Search for the meaning
Open to the meaning
Find your meaning
Acknowledge your meaning
Seize your meaning
Savour your meaning
Question your meaning
Contemplate your meaning
Accept your meaning
Be your meaning
Live your meaning
Love your meaning
Dance with your meaning
Laugh with your meaning
Cry with your meaning
Rest in your meaning
Bathe in your meaning
Feast in your meaning
Drink your meaning
Find freedom in your meaning
Your meaning presents itself in each moment
Each sun rise and sunset
Each goodybye and hello
Each sorry and I love you
Your meaning shines through your eyes and beats with your heart.
Your meaning us within you, waiting to be found.

 

 

Simple life

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A simple life is all I need. Give me natures honeyed delights by pure sunlight. I’ll explore the depth of each shimmering horizon stretching on for miles. Basking in springs zephyr as stillness settles within. I’ll capture and write till luminescent moonlight. Streaming melodies of this wondrous life.

Day 301

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The winds of change are sweeping through, clearing out the remnants of your storm. No longer in limbo, change is here and it is real- we can finally move on. Disbelief sat briefly with me while I watched it transform into peace, as the door on the pain and anguish closed with a thud.

The last 301 days have tested every part of me, pushed my beyond anything I thought I was capable of. Nothing seems impossible after what we have been through.

We step forward into our new beginning and reunite with our home. My happiness melts any darkness away, bringing the old place back to life. My daughter cried out in tears this week, woken from a dream and all she could say was- I want to go home. Yes my dear we can.

It’s time to let this adventure begin.

I revel in the fact that we are free.