Tap, tap, tap, hello is anyone there? I shake my head to wake me from my daze. While my eyes adjust to the glaring light and my surrounds come into focus, I wonder how long I’ve been out for. Snippets of the past year flash before my eyes, Christmas celebrations, summer holidays and my children’s laughter fill in the blanks, bringing me back into this moment. Yes 12 months have been and gone but where was I? I’ve hidden in the shadows of waiting, drowning in routine and familiarity, numbing my senses to go through the motions, doing what I can to get by. A gust of wind picks up my tired eyes and tears fill the deep hollows, wanting to spill over the edges and I let them. I don’t remember the last time I have looked up, let alone got caught up in the moment and allowed myself to be overcome with such emotion. To get by I shut down this part of me, lately I haven’t wanted to write, I haven’t wanted to talk about the pain deep inside, I haven’t wanted to stop, all to avoid being here. Being here means I have to face up to what’s really in front of me. Being here scares me as it shows me what I’ve missed over the past year. Being here means it’s time to move on and involves change.
The forceful wind swirls around me and if I wasn’t holding onto the wooden railing, I’m sure it would sweep me into the roaring ocean. The pounding of the waves on the jagged rocks is the only sound I hear while the soft specs of salt land on face, drying my tears. Instead of fearing the storm raging around me, I hold my ground. I stand with my two feet on the sandy grass asking the wind where you are taking me now?
Wind in my life represents change, a big change, I get that now after all I’ve been through. The only answer I get is whoosh and crash. What is that supposed to mean? I keep listening and a lost part of me instantly comes alive. I notice my warm blood racing around my body, the more I listen and look around, the more I notice I can breathe. The ice cold air fills my lungs, spreading my ribs wide open and life washes over me as I breathe out. From behind the dark clouds the luminous rays of the sun appear. This is my answer, no more living in the shadows which means stepping back into my life, accepting and allowing the change wanting to sweep me away.